there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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