and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
