I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
