my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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