I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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