The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
