I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
