I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
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Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
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Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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