worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
