His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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