I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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