i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
