Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
