Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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