I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if only i could text you this smell
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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