My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
