If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
