we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
