Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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