I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
