I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
