my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
birth control should be required to get into college
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
