I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
