The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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