Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
