i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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