Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
