Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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