Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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