we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
