this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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