WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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