Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
