I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
