apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
