does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
