last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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