Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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