Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
