i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i came on her dog
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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