You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
