Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
