I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
