Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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