im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
