Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
