can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
