That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
