your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Randomize
