I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
