note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh god it's open bar.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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