I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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