OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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